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Help leaving an abusive husband?

First let me say that Ive created this account in case someone out there has an idea I havent thought of. Its humbling to put my story out there, but I need help, so Im asking. The short version is as follows: Im 30 years old, well educated, and a very sweet woman. I lost both of my parents before I was 18 and they were really my only family to speak of. I lived alone, independently for many years until I met my husband, who was a good man, in the beginning. I wouldnt mention this if it was pertinent to the story but he is foreign, it doesnt matter from where, but his nationality has a strong history of treating women poorly. I didnt know a lot about it before I married him and certainly didnt think he would ever treat me badly. I married him 5 years ago and welcomed a baby into the world just over a year ago. Since Ive been married things have gotten worse and worse. He only speaks in his native tongue when his family is over, no one speaks to me at all, all phone calls are private. They make my daughter participate in their cultural traditions(ie: cutting her hair and feeding her food items not approved for infants) against my objection. When I say anything, Im yelled at, pushed out of the way, ignored for days on end, not invited to holidays. Ive been thrown to the ground, pushed and slapped across the face once (breaking my glasses), but never full on hit. Most of my abuse has been verbal – threats, general mistreatment, name calling, yelling, slamming doors, etc. The largest problem is, I feel stuck in a situation I cannot escape from. I lost my job 2 years ago and then suffered a difficult pregnancy (no doubt due to the stress). I began seeking employment after my daughter was 3 months old, but to no avail. I used to hold a high level professional position (I have a college degree), however, in this economy (Michigan)…no one is calling me back. My husbands bad decisions created a situation where we had to file for bankruptcy together (recently), so now I no longer have credit available to me, combined with the failure to find work opportunities, and I have no where to go. If my parents were alive they would certainly help me escape this situation. But I have no one. Regardless, I MUST figure something out for me and my daughter. I need the following (as far as I can tell): a job, a place to live that I can afford, child care (right now shes always with me or my husbands mother), a court order granting me primary custody of our daughter (Id be scared to death to let him take her even on weekends, but Im sure I cannot prevent it). I dont know how to get any of these things without a job. Id divorce him tomorrow if I could (can I hire a lawyer with his money b/c we have a joint bank accnt? what can I do for safety after he finds out I filed? Where would I live? Do I get custody until its all figured out?). He constantly threatens that without a job no judge will grant me any kind of custody of a child because I have nothing to offer her (which I dont, but with me shes safe!) He has had his criminal record wiped clean (all "I know a guy who took care of me" kinda thing) except a drunk driving charge; everyone knows how he is, but no one would dare say anything. Hes a bad man. This situation is getting worse every day. Iam terrified more every day as my daughter gains recognition of daily life, that she will see our life and think this is an acceptable way to be treated. Ive lost my ability to teach her well and offer her a childhood free of stress, yelling and tears. Im in an awful, and as far as I can tell inescapable, situation. Does anyone out there have any real ideas for me? Something has to change and soon…Im was a good person but Im breaking, even my health has suffered terribly. Im nearing 100lbs, Im 5’6", I cant eat b/c Im so nervous all the time. Every day once he goes to work my beautiful daughter and I laugh and play, and as the clock creeps to when he’ll come home I feel my stomach tighten and my nerves are so bad my hands start to shake. I dont have anyone I can tell, everyone I know is a family member or friend of his and they wouldnt think anything of it. This is just how people live in their culture. Plus, Im scared of him, and my home is laced with weapons (not where my girl could reach). My spirit is so broken at this point that I wouldn’t even care if he killed me, but my daughter needs me, Im all she has. She has NO IDEA what an insane life Ive brought her into, and if I can help it, shell never have to know to its full extent. And if I could get away, I could get my life back. I dont deserve this, I have the biggest heart and Ive been taking care of others all my life, but I cant even take care of my own child. What can I do, anyone? Plz do not say call the police . Understand what Ive written, I cant do something radical, and I wont do anything to jeopardize being with my baby, or place us in danger. I need a plan and one I can actua

You could easily get up early tomorrow a.m. & go to your local Family Court. They WILL take care of you by telling you what to do etc. If needs be, there also is a Judge who presides over this court all day every day. This is rite where I’d head as early as I could to make sure you get taken care of tomorrow. I have resorted to using my own local Family Court due to domestic violence so I KNOW they do care, they WILL help you the best they can. You can trust them to take your well being in total concern. I KNOW that’s what I’d do & feel it’s the best for you too….I SO wish you the best, honey. Things will work out for the best for you & the baby. Give them a chance to help you. BTW, I would take a bit of money out of your joint act. Don’t take too much, but DO take some just in case!..:)

  1. wolfman
    March 27th, 2011 at 12:13 | #1

    If at all possible try to get enough money together to see an attorney who specializes in Family Matters (divorce etc.). It may cost you $100 or so to pick his/her brain for an hour but you should come out of the meeting with some kind of direction.
    References :

  2. Jock
    March 27th, 2011 at 12:31 | #2

    Contact your nearest shelter or family court and get a plan together to get you and your baby out.
    Just don’t be there when he gets home tomorrow and don’t tell him where you will be.
    References :

  3. Dr. House
    March 27th, 2011 at 12:56 | #3

    There’s about 1500 women’s shelters in America.
    Find the closest one with an empty bed.
    References :

  4. Observer
    March 27th, 2011 at 13:26 | #4

    Contact someone at the local social welfare department.
    References :

  5. Silly Rabbit_Is Team Jacob
    March 27th, 2011 at 14:04 | #5

    I wasn’t going to suggest calling the cops. I’ve (personally) known women in similar situations and I know it takes a LOT of courage to speak out about what you’re going through, and even more so to decide to leave your husband. You mentioned you live in Michigan, I can only imagine there must be Women shelters in your state that help people out in these sort of situations. I live in Canada and there is a lot of help available through social services. You can go there with your daughter and they will take care of the rest. I’m sure they can help you get a restraining order from your husband to make sure he can never harm you or your daughter again. Just either call them or go visit them and see what they can do for you. I’m not sure where in Michigan you are, but I found some numbers for you. Call the one whose closest to you. Don’t let this go on any longer, you deserve so much better.

    I wish you all the best and hope you get out of this awful situation as soon as possible.
    References :
    http://www.usattorneylegalservices.com/women-shelter-michigan.html
    http://www.sboard.org/SHELTERS/MI.HTM
    http://www.womenshelters.org/sta/michigan

  6. Sue C
    March 27th, 2011 at 14:52 | #6

    You could easily get up early tomorrow a.m. & go to your local Family Court. They WILL take care of you by telling you what to do etc. If needs be, there also is a Judge who presides over this court all day every day. This is rite where I’d head as early as I could to make sure you get taken care of tomorrow. I have resorted to using my own local Family Court due to domestic violence so I KNOW they do care, they WILL help you the best they can. You can trust them to take your well being in total concern. I KNOW that’s what I’d do & feel it’s the best for you too….I SO wish you the best, honey. Things will work out for the best for you & the baby. Give them a chance to help you. BTW, I would take a bit of money out of your joint act. Don’t take too much, but DO take some just in case!..:)
    References :

  7. Wildflower
    March 27th, 2011 at 15:02 | #7

    Sweetie.. *hugs* I’m so sorry for you and your baby.. briefly I will tell you I was in much the same situation.. My ex became more abusive over time.. mine was mostly verbal, until one day he snapped and attacked me.. shoving me into our then 2 yr old.. I grabbed her and ran.. went straight to the Sheriff’s dept, then to a women’s shelter, and we started a new life… I will tell you what I learned.. only you can decide what you are able / willing to do.

    1) In my case, there were no witnesses to the abuse.. to bruising, etc who could / would testify on my behalf. Luckily I did have pictures I had taken of bruising from him after the attack, but that was all I had. I did go to the Sheriff’s dept, but felt all this guilt that we as victims feel. I didn’t want to be the one responsible for breaking up our home.. or for my daughter being without her father.. or for him being in jail.. and feared what he would do once he got out. But, it is very very important to your future custody case to have the abuse documented, and if possible, have charges on record.. you have to make your daughter your focus, not him, not you… shut off your emotions and think calculatedly.. what do you have to do to protect her.. and having a strong case in court is paramount. If you have witnesses of abuse that can only help.. but to be good witnesses, they have to not be your family.

    2) Call your local women’s shelter, listed in the phone book. They have so much help they can offer to you. They have therapists to help you recognize the abuse and stop being the victim, they have lawyers who will file papers on your behalf and represent you in court.. they have job assistance they can give you, they can help you with a safe place to live.. find out how and what kind of help they can give.. and make your plan..

    3) The day you plan to make your escape, wait for him to leave.. grab yours and your daughters things.. not too much, you need to focus on what you have to have.. clothing, medication, a favorite doll of hers, birth certificates, etc.. If you can, hit the bank, take what you can.. settle up in the property settlement for what you took (later).. now, you have to have cash on hand for you and the baby.. but do NOT get caught by him.. if in any doubt, just go with her to the shelter .. leave everything.. you will be able to rebuild whatever is left behind. (When I left my ex, all we had was each other and what we were wearing or I had in my car – thank God when we ran, I realized the keys were in my pocket).

    ADD: Also, you can go to court.. they usually have an abuse advocate that works there. This person can help you file paperwork (free) for an immediate temporary restraining order or order of protection.. you need one of these also to protect the baby.. the judge will listen to your testimony only (usually within the hour) and will decide for or against the petition right then. Remember though, it is only a piece of paper and can only help if you are able to get help from law enforcement before he can hurt the two of you… so even with it, be careful.. often, it makes an abuser crazed to have one served, but without it, your case in court is more difficult and if the baby is away from you for one minute and he knows, he could take her from whoever she is with. The order protects you and her.
    I will tell you that everyday you stay, not only are you jeopardizing your and your daughter’s safety, but also your ability to have custody of her, because you are jeopardizing her safety. Once you go, don’t look back.. just go.. You are strong and can do this.. in your weakest moments or when you wonder if you can do this, just hold your baby and tell yourself you have to do what is best for her.
    References :
    My life..

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