Home > Michigan Death Records > what do you think about my mystery?

what do you think about my mystery?

Vortex in Spring

Sophie and Landon were two ordinary siblings from a small town in the far northern part of upper Michigan. Their dad was a nice, gentle man; the main doctor of the town that everyone knew. Their mother was on of those ladies who, when it was finally nice out, would sit on her front porch with the other moms on the street. They would all wear their spring tone, Sunday brunch dresses and talk about the latest gossip while having teat and eating petit-fours. Since the town they lived in was so small and everyone knew everybody, Sophie and Landon were allowed to play almost anywhere around the house without having two be watched. Their parents would often let them go hangout by the pond back behind the house because nothing could ever happen to them there.
It was the third day of spring break and it wasn’t raining ridiculously hard outside. Sophie and Landon had just finished eating lunch and wanted to go play back at the pond. So they headed outside to ask their mom, since their dad been called off to work because there was a major pile-up on the highway, and with our hesitation, she told them yes. With this, Sophie and Landon made their away around the house to their pond.
This pond was very special to Sophie, Landon, and their family because it has been a spot where their family gathers for over a hundred years. Sophie and Landon’s dad told them a story about how when he was a kid he remembers when he was 10 and they had their annual family reunion how Uncle Joseph had persuaded all the men to race against all the women across the pond and back. Who won? The women. The pond was surrounded by huge oak trees and weeping willows except for a tiny smidge at the front which was the entrance to it. The water was clear as diamonds and the sand surrounding it was silky smooth and the gorgeous color of burnt sienna. On a depressing day, the sand was the warmth of your mothers’ arms around you telling you everything will be alright.
Upon reaching the edge of the pond, Sophie blurted out, “Can we skip rocks Landon? Please, pl, pl, pl, pleassssssse?” “Yeah, I guess,” Landon said as he started looking for skipping rocks. After 5 minutes of searching, Landon and Sophie spotted the most beautiful stones. They were a dark, charcoal gray, smooth as glass, and sparkled so bright you were almost blinded. There were only three so Landon said, “Ill skip one, then you can, and then Ill do the last one, because I’m older.” Sophie agreed and so they each picked up their respective stones and went to their favorite skipping spot.
Landon took his first one got it ready and threw. It skipped 16 times before it sank; a new record for Landon. Sophie thought she could do better and with all her might, she threw the stone and it went flying and ended up all the way on the other side of the pond. Sophie stuck her tongue out at Landon and did her happy dance. Landon didn’t care. He liked doing stuff with his sister and didn’t care if she was better at something then him. He took the third and final stone and swung it across the lake, but something weird happened. It went halfway across and then came skipping back. He threw it again and it just came right back to him. They both looked at the stone weirdly and were wondering how on earth that happened. It was like Landon had a magnetic pull on the stone. Sophie picked up the stone, looked at it for a few seconds, and all of a sudden, a bright red laser beam came whizzing out, startled Sophie which caused her to fall and hit her head. Landon freaked out, his sister could bleed to death and he didn’t know what to do. He tried to shake her to wake her up but she was unconscious. He picked up the stone again and out came this gargantuan swirling vortex that sucked up Landon, Sophie, and the stone that had started all of this trouble.
its based off of the picture strange day in july from the harris burdick mysteries i wrote this for my creative writing class
chaseandstacey: where and how could i do more showing. oh and im 17 and im sorry about the typing mistkaes in there i copied an unedited version to here

A compelling read, how old are you. Hmm, It’s very nice, and well structured, I wouldn’t call it "mystery" though, it’s more fantasy. A triumph I say. I’d give it a 9.5/10.
Cheers! LabRat

  1. Lab Rat
    March 12th, 2010 at 16:16 | #1

    A compelling read, how old are you. Hmm, It’s very nice, and well structured, I wouldn’t call it "mystery" though, it’s more fantasy. A triumph I say. I’d give it a 9.5/10.
    Cheers! LabRat
    References :

  2. chaseandstacey
    March 12th, 2010 at 16:34 | #2

    Hmm… well, I like the plot, but it seems like there is much more telling than showing, you know what I mean? You tell the whole plot and everything, but there is little conversation between them. Also, I think you need to improve in your grammar. Otherwise, this is a promising story.

    Could you return the favor?
    References :

  1. No trackbacks yet.