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Can u help me to deal with the death of my abuser/father?

January 18th, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

I know that I can’t change things and if I could I don’t have the money to fight it. Please understand that I may not make sense here as I am really upset right now. Here’s my story:

I was abused by both of my parents mentally, physcally and sexually. As well as with a few of their friends. It stopped when I was 14 years old. My parents were divorced in Aug. 1975. Remarried in Sept. 1975. I didn’t see my father till my mother passed away in April 2007. I’ve not seen him since. When my father became ill he had my brother promise him that he wouldn’t tell me that he was ill. He had to have open heart surgery. So he didn’t tell me. I was to find out about his death when one of 5 step family had it put in my local newspaper. I live in N.W. IL and they (father, brother and one step sister) live in Florida. I’ve not meet any of my step family but for their mother… whom was a wonderful person. She’s passed on in 2001. In his Will everything will go to the oldest step sister. I won’t even get a picture of my father or anything. Yes, there is a lot of money as my father was a wealthy man. But I don’t want his money… though I have to be honest it would be nice. I would be happy with just a picture or something like that. The reason why I was told he had died was that Becky (step sister) needed to sign papers to have my father’s body cremated. She couldn’t sign them as she’s not blood related… none of the steps are. So they had to get in touch with me so that my brother and I could sign the needed paperwork. In light of reading that contract I will not be signing it. As it states in that contract that I would be held liable if anyone should try to sue the funeral home for anything. Like if someone comes up and says they are the child of my father’s and he didn’t know that he had even died and wanted to sue the funeral home… they would come after whomever signed that contract. My brother signed it… I am not if they don’t remove that part. I’ve not seen a Will nor do I know how or why he died. I’ve been told two different reasons why he died… neither the same.

Soon after my father’s wife (Pat) passed away in Sept 2001 he started seeing my mother again. My mother lied to me about seeing him again. As she knew how I would feel about it.

I have been treated for P.T.S.D. for years… all of what was done to me by my parents when I was a child.

Right now I feel angry, hurt, betrayed, raped emotionally, like I want to cry but I have no tears at all. Yes, I am saying that I’ve not yet shed a tear of his death. I don’t think I will either. I know why he treated me like he did. But I don’t understand why he’s treated my brother like he did.

If anyone has any help they can give me in how to deal with this in a better way please just speak up. Right now I feel myself just slipping away… back in my shell… my safety zone.

Thanks for listening… .

This is what I just told a friend of mine as to how I feel:
I have a lot to deal with on my plate. Not only did both of my parents shit on me when I was a child…. mother looked the other way when my father wanted to have sex with me or even when one of my father’s friend wanted to have sex with me. She started dating my father again soon after his wife died and she lied to me about it. Then to find out that he didn’t leave nothing… not even a metal that he got while in the military… to my brother and I. We are his only two blood kids. He left everything to Becky… one of 5 step kids. The youngest step kid was almost 19 when he married their mother… all out of the home. It’s not like he didn’t have much either. My father was a wealthy man. It’s not the money that I would like to have… though it would be nice. I just would like something from him… to remember other things than what I do now of him. Hell… he even went so far to have my brother promise him that he wouldn’t tell me about his death till he was cremated or I r ead the Obituary in my local paper. He lived in south Florida. I know he did this to punish me for the felony he had on his record. But don’t know what my brother did to get the same treatment. I hadn’t see my father since I was 16 until April 29, 2008 for a few hours when we put my mother’s ashes where she wanted them. I’ve not seen him since. He was sick for 2 months before passing. My brother kept that from me as he promised he wouldn’t tell me till my father wanted. So I don’t know if I should be upset at my brother for that as well. When my Uncle that I loved dearly passed my father wouldn’t let my brother tell me that till after the funeral was over. So he didn’t. I do feel that my brother has betray me big time.

Now do you see why I have trouble with trusting others?

I am sorry to hear of your troubles.

It would help you a lot if you saw a therapist.

You can contest the will. As his blood child, it is a law that you have to be notified of the issues in the will.

Start calling attorneys. Go to the site below for free legal advice.

There is a lawyer that will take you case and make the other side pay for your legal fees.

You were wronged.

Don’t let them get a way with it.

Good Luck.

  1. Jiggy
    January 18th, 2010 at 21:24 | #1

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  2. fresh mex
    January 18th, 2010 at 21:29 | #2

    I’m sorry if you fine this rude but I really don’t think this internet site is the place to seek help. If you really need someone to talk to you can go to a therapist or talk to a friend. That way you will have another human being sitting there to talk back. I don’t think talking to a computer screen will do you nearly as much good as actual human contact.
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  3. tayleefayee(:
    January 18th, 2010 at 21:52 | #3

    wow people are rude. dont even listen to them. i feel bad for you, you shouldnt have to be going through all that. i would suggest seeing a thereapist because theyre so experienced and can help you ALOT.
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  4. nellyurock
    January 18th, 2010 at 22:14 | #4

    OMG, Im so sorry 🙁
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  5. Kelsey M
    January 18th, 2010 at 22:43 | #5

    you should feel nothing if he did that stuff to u u should feel nothing of his death. i wouldnt fell a single thing.
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  6. bobthebulider
    January 18th, 2010 at 23:01 | #6

    wa wa wa who cares you were probably abused for whining to much
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  7. Julie
    January 18th, 2010 at 23:47 | #7

    I am very sorry you had to go through all this. I know there is a volunteer counseling service in my area is there one in yours? I am not a therapist and cannot give you any words to comfort you or to help you move on but I think you really need to talk to someone.
    On another note, I think you can and should fight the will.
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  8. *LJS_420*
    January 19th, 2010 at 00:13 | #8

    I’ll tell you right now, you aren’t gonna be right until you’ve let you father go. This is a very VERY unhealthy situation. Nothing short of professional help is going to solve this. I’m sorry if you can’t afford it, but you don’t have any other options. This is an emotional emergency.
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  9. Daphne
    January 19th, 2010 at 00:46 | #9

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  10. TheOne
    January 19th, 2010 at 00:51 | #10

    I am sorry to hear of your troubles.

    It would help you a lot if you saw a therapist.

    You can contest the will. As his blood child, it is a law that you have to be notified of the issues in the will.

    Start calling attorneys. Go to the site below for free legal advice.

    There is a lawyer that will take you case and make the other side pay for your legal fees.

    You were wronged.

    Don’t let them get a way with it.

    Good Luck.
    References :

  11. jake
    January 19th, 2010 at 01:35 | #11

    thats really hard
    venting like this is a good way to deal with it.
    you should try to think of good times with your dad and forgive him for all the bad he has done to you. i know it will be hard and i wish you the best of luck
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  12. judyrobins14
    January 19th, 2010 at 02:15 | #12

    I think that you are one confused person! Why on earth would you even w ant a photo of the person that had abused you for years?
    You should be thankful that he is no longer around to do that to you, your brother or maybe others. I understand that you want closure, but while he was alive, you should have told him off, because once you became an adult YOU SHOULD HAVE HAD HIM and YOUR MOM ARRESTED! When people have children it is their responsibility for the rest of their lives, there are millions of children out there who have the same problem as you. I am urging you to go to grief counseling or a shrink with your brother or alone, and talk about all the issues that you have. The doctors are the only ones that can help you make a better life for yourself and for you to get self confidence.
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  13. FuturisticBabe
    January 19th, 2010 at 02:56 | #13

    Your story brought me to tears, I’m sorry of what you had to go through when you were young. I think it’s best to try and move on with your life, I don’t blame you for not forgiving him, what he did was awful… In my opinion it’s best to forget it and live to the fullest. You should talk to someone who you think will know what to say, maybe a close friend. Or seek help from a professional, they should be able to help you with everything you need.
    I’m sorry that I wasn’t the best help, but i wish you the best.
    May god bless you <3
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  14. mush
    January 19th, 2010 at 03:38 | #14

    If you’re receiving professional treatment for the PTSD, that is a very good approach. But because of the extent of your abuse, I would say that you should use more than one approach.
    I have had my own experiences with sexual and emotional abuse, but nothing close to what you’ve been dealt. I can tell you that reading books by Deepak Chopra has helped me a great deal.

    When you’re working through painful memories and feelings, write it all down, tell it to someone, let it out in some way… and then drop it. Don’t hold onto it. After you have expressed what you need to say, then focus on positive things. "The Path to Love" by Deepak Chopra would be a very good book for you to read.

    Pain is more like an emptiness than a presence, so you need to fill that emptiness with the presence of positive things.

    It’s good to talk about your hurt if you feel like you need to, but try very hard not to dwell on it. Depressing thoughts will push their way into your mind, but that’s when you need to push it back out… because these thoughts are more like shadows and echoes. Your mind is holding onto this pain and duplicating it and making it bigger than it is. Don’t let that happen. When you feel like you’re slipping back inside your shell, find something positive to focus on. If you are spiritual, pray in these moments of weakness.

    I hope this helps.
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  15. Stephanie
    January 19th, 2010 at 04:03 | #15

    Awwie , Am really sorry for what your family pot you through it must be really heard , i never been in that place but my best friend went through the same thing as you and it was really bad she tried to kill her self and stuff , but well am sorry i have nothing really good to say .
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  16. kuletboi
    January 19th, 2010 at 04:29 | #16

    Im very sorry you have to go through all those. Its hard to realize that people around the world are treated like this.

    I cant even begin to understand how you feel right now. Your family betrayed you. That’s already set in stone. I do believe you shouldn’t trust them nor should you even try.

    He might be a horrible father, but he still is your father. Hiding his death from you should be a clear sign. If they don’t want to tell you, then don’t bother. Sometimes its better if you just seclude yourself from them to protect yourself.

    In my opinion your father deserved not one drop of tear. Forget about him and move on.
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